Fulton Oursler once said "Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future." I was the prime example. I'd been back in my old stomping grounds about a day now, and I still hadn't seen anyone I had known in my past. By intention.

It wasn't so much that I didn't want to see them. It was that I didn't want them to see me. And when it came to unburdening myself, and a quest for absolution for all these things that I had done, I knew that left my pool really limited. There was a really small club that knew the things I knew on this island and would be sympathetic to my problems: the Head Girls. And the problem with this select club was that most of them I knew. Hell, most of them I could identify based on their taste.

So it left me with a really narrow pool of options. And that left me here. The door of someone by the name of Vera. In my long-standing career as the island's whore, I'd never really encountered Vera more than in passing. At least, not to my recollection. Hesitantly, I knocked on the door of her stately suite, and I held my breath.

I did not wear my sash. I did not wear my uniform. I was dressed in plain clothes. A black skirt and sky-blue top befitting my wardrobe rather plainly. Still, I was confident she would know who I was in much the same way I knew who she was. We were carriers of such a burden...

Contact with the Head Girls was little to nonexistent for Vera. The last time they were all together was during a meeting with the staff and their Headmasters. Even then, there was very little socializing amongst the top girls of Shokushu or rather little social interaction with Vera Matsumoto. Each Head Girl had their own reason of earning and taking their position but few spoke of it to the others. They had their own matters to attend to as well as any burdens and responsibilities they put upon themselves.

She was not concerned about such things. What she sensed and heard about the others, it was obvious that she was on her own on any matters she comes up with. Vera did not mind it. She prefered working with those she could control. In more ways than one, the other Head Girls could be seen as her competition in earning the Headmaster's favor or becoming a target for more dangerous tasks. Her position she took like any position one would get in a job out in the field and she took such business very seriously.

The silver haired woman was typing away at her computer, making reports and logging demerits when a knock came to her door. It sounded so faint that the woman almost did not notice it. Usually, she would simply call the student in but something made her stop. Their was something unique about what she was sensing beyond the door. Some of it was something she knew well, nervousness and hesitation but that was only a minor color of the aura that was waiting for her answer.

Rising to her feet, Vera was dressed in the standard Shokushu uniform. Her light blue sash hung loosely around her waist, revealing her rank and position to all that looked upon her. Moving closer to the door, she did not get any better feel of what she was sensing. Sorrow perhaps or maybe something harder to describe, solitude. Opening the door, she was slightly surprised to find Ms Ryan.

She could not really call the woman a 'fellow' Head Girl but the woman was indeed the same rank as her. Linnis was without her uniform and sash. There was no definite rule stating one must be in uniform at all times but lacking the sash did bring some concern to the other woman. "Ms. Ryan," she said finally, "My apologies, I was not expecting a guest of your status. Please, come in. I cannot help but notice you are lacking a sash. Did one of those creatures keep yours as a trophy? You may borrow one of mine if you wish." Vera would step aside, closing the door and locking once Linnis enters. This being a conversation between two Head Girls, she did not want any visitors interupting or listening in.

"I don't like boasting, when not 'working' I like to not flaunt... you know." It was the line I gave. And it wasn't untrue, I felt more accessible if I wasn't always reminding people who I was to the administration, for several reasons. I walked in a little hesitantly, and continued my canned answer, "It makes me more approachable. I know a lot of us, we distance ourselves. I mean, considering what we have to do, that's fair, but I don't want to forget that I'm a friend before I'm an enemy, you know?"

She likely didn't. I didn't really expect her to. Style was something that was worlds apart between even the people in our position that I was close to. Still, I watched the door lock and looked back at Vera, "I realized that I don't know you all that well. Madison, Dawn, the others I know." Which was in part why I didn't emphasize that "van" was part of a surname, "I'm a little curious. We all have our reasons for doing what we do, and our ways for dealing with the things we do to others. What's yours?"

I wanted to assess her a little before I broke down into the sobbing mess I figured I was likely to become. I wanted to understand what brought her to the position she was in. I didn't have a plethora of options, so I wasn't going to keep anything from her, but it would certainly help me understand how to explain things to her.

In a way, she did understand at least from what she had gathered about this woman in the past. Linnis had caused her share of trouble in the school before becoming a Head Girl. In general, all the violations involved sex in some form or another usually with multiple partners in her old dorm room. The woman had a reputation but now that reputation was tainted in a way due to sash she chose not to wear. As long as it did not hinder her operations any and did not cause unnecessary chaos in the school, she did not care if this Head Girl was still hunting for potential mates.

The questions came soon as she locked the door. The introduction seemed strange to her. Why come to her if the others were ones she could relate and be open to? For a brief moment, she thought this was a matter of business on the level that Linnis did not want others to find out. She was half right on that account. Vera turned to face the other Head Girl, arms crossing infront of her chest. "Which is it?" she asked, "Are you asking about my methods or are you asking why I am in this position. Both are rather personal questions to be asking a stranger, Ms. Ryan." Still not corrected, she continued to make the mistake with the woman's surname.

Vera watched and could see the emotions attempting to pour out from the woman. It was like a flood being held by a slowly breaking dam. Sighing softly, she had an idea what this was about. Linnis along with a few other Head Girls joined for more selfless reasons compared to her own. "Very well.. But my reasons do not leave this room, understand? I am only humoring you because you are the first to bother asking such a question of me," she continued, "First of all, none of us choose this position. The Headmasters decide who will rise to the top. But I suppose that answer will not satisfy you. I am simple doing this in order to have a future. NICE labs has use of me and as does the Headmasters. If those uses ensure my small freedoms, then I am in a better situation than the other ignorant students out there. You know our situation. Do not say you would not have done the same even without your bonds you made here."

"Now it is my turn," she said softly, stepping away from the door, "Why are you here? You know as well as I that you have no interest in me so why come now?"

Her answer to my question was about what I anticipated. We were chosen, yes, but we didn't need to accept. Moreover, people like myself were chosen for the same reason we accepted - they knew they had me over a barrel when they told me of the position. But I nodded and understood. She was probably right, in another life I probably would use the position far worse than Vera did. Freedoms aside, I'd use the power to blackmail students and generally do the things that the administration hoped I'd do when I was offered the power I held.

Her question to me came with a bit of a bitter sting, I did care about her. I cared about everyone. But I had my head held as high as my circumstances allowed. "It's hard to tell my friends what I've put myself through, and harder to imagine if Sondra'll forgive me. Frankly, I wouldn't blame her for being frightened by what I've become, and running as far away as she can..." I closed my eyes and let out a slow breath, "They said I might get to go home, if I do my job well enough. I can even take someone, a 'pet' they called her. But I can take Sondra home. We can live happily ever after. That's why I took up the sash. Maybe it's not angling for a job at NICE, but it certainly isn't as selfless and noble as some of the others would probably see it as."

Whether it was for selfish reasons or not, it was expected that Head Girls performed their duties and did so successfully. There was nothing gained from having a soft touch here on the island especially against those who know that monsters exist. The students would never understand that they were all given up for the sake of the world, sacrificial lambs prepared for shipping to the horniest bidder. But Vera was not the one under questioning now and her own still had yet to be answered.

"You are avoiding my question," she said coldly, "Unlike you, I know very well what is expected of me and I shall continue to perform my duties as such. You apparently cannot make up your mind if these doubts are in your mind. I am quite aware of the benefits that being a Head Girl has, Dawn has already taken advantage of some of them." Reminding the woman that Dawn was already back on Earth though she was now working on finding potential bodies to send off to Shokushu and slavery.

Something told her she would not be getting this woman to leave easily. Even if she threw Linnis out of her suite, it would only lead to her picking up any slack this one leaves behind. Vera was already dealing with enough that from the other 'softer' Head Girls. Sighing again, she walked past the woman. "Do you want something to drink? You are apparently exhausted in more ways than one, have a seat where you like." Once she takes the woman's request, she will leave for the kitchen for a few moments before returning with a class or cup of the appropriate drink. The Head Girl would take a seat if Linnis found one and prepared herself to start again.

"Now, I will repeat myself one more time," she said calmly, "Why have you come here? It is obvious you do not want this job so what do you hope to gain from speaking with me?"

"Tea, chai if you have it," I sat down. This gave me time to collect myself and start again. What did I seek from Vera? If it was absolution, it was something like going to a burglar to absolve me of cheating on my taxes. From Vera's perspective, it seemed the only thing I did wrong was try to protect Sondra.

I sighed as the teacup was delivered to me. I took a small sip and let the warmth and spice run through me, as if somehow that helped me collect my thoughts, and I again felt pain at the question, "I guess I'm here to reassure myself that everything I've done until now has been okay. It isn't that I don't want this job, I want to save her, but its tough knowing what..." I paused, "There's the trade-off. We all know that a couple hundred sex slaves is better than a couple billion. But still, its hard to know that I'm the one at fault. I know these girls. Perhaps I came to the wrong door, but the files I've read on my friends make it sounds like the number of doors to knock on is diminishing. And I don't want them to see me like this."

I decided it was best to explain something else, "For the last year or so I've been doing 'special' things for the administration in order to get Sondra released from NICE. And I also want to apologize for the slack that caused, I'm sure it was a lot of trouble. But that was pretty hellish. Partly it was punishment for not being firmer in my convictions, but mostly it was a stark reminder of what awaits everyone here except us. We're sending these girls to hell." I collected myself again, I was getting off point, "I don't want to give up on the dream of getting home again, of taking Sondra and being happily ever after. I need this. But I guess the question I have for you is, how do you sleep at night?"

The tea was prepared to Linnis's request. It also bought Vera time to prepare herself for the amount of aura her visitor was going to pound her with as this conversation continues. Despite what the other Head Girl may think, the issue was not Sondra in Vera's mind. She just saw that the woman lacked a spine to follow through with her decision. This disgusted her and only added to belief that Ms Van Ryan was in this position for purely sexual reasons.

"You know very well what we are a part of. There is no reassuring, Linnis," she began, "We ensure order in the school and assist the staff in preparing the students for slavery. Whether it is right or wrong does not matter, it is what we must do or our species dies. But, if you want someone to fault, fault our weak governments and economy. We spent countless years stabbing each other in the back and trying to milk the system for every dime we could get our hands on. Then another force comes and we were not ready for it."

"I have already made it clear that I benefit for being in this position. Not taking the position would have done absolutely nothing for myself or anyone else," she continued, "So I'll answer your sleep question with one of my own. You obviously do this for this Sondra woman. What would you do to save her from being sent to hell?"

I nodded solemnly. She was right, it didn't matter if I could live with what I was doing to others, what mattered was keeping Sondra safe. If she wasn't able to forgive me, it didn't matter. "You're right, of course," I nodded with sobriety and took a sip of my tea again, "If I have to send the entire world to hell for her, I would." It was a subtle distinction to me, at this point, but it was true. I supposed that my loyalty only went to those who would help me protect Sondra, and at the moment, it was the bad guys.

"I guess that answers it then; I'll sleep because I have to," I'll do it all because I have to. My morals be damned. Did that make me evil? One of the bad guys? I didn't know, and I guessed fairly well that that wasn't a concern my newfound confessional shared. Wasn't it all subjective anyway, good and evil? Some people would say that doing such terrible things for love was a good reason for an evil act. Maybe there was where I would find the solace I needed.

I sipped my tea more. This whole place fucked with the nature of good and evil, and I resented it for that.

The question and the answer Linnis came up with seemed to help calm her down. But Vera was not satisfied with what she heard. "You more than likely said something similar to the Headmaster did you not?" she said coldly, "And where did those words take you? You did poorly in your duties and were sent off to be punished. You now have the Headmasters watching you carefully as you have proven that you have no wish to help their cause. Do you really think they will look favorably to your request to save your precious lover?"

"They know exactly why you are doing this and after your past conduct... Bare minimums are not going to cut it. Bare minimums never cut it in any business especially ones dealing with threats to all of humanity," she continued, "If you are going to prove yourself, then I suggest you find it within yourself to follow these people to the end. Maybe then they will see that your devotion is not just a mask you hide behind." It was difficult to tell if she was trying to manipulate the other woman or just speaking facts, maybe a little of both. Getting a Head Girl back on her feet would take some burden off her own work. Not that she minded the job but being stuck with every small task was getting tiring even for her.

"So what efforts have you done recently to show that you are going to do your job? The world is not your possession to give away unfortunately," she added with a soft smile before sipping her tea. Then again, she was unsure if this woman even knew how to do her job. So many Head Girls are trying to 'help' the students when infact they were just making their fates so much worse.

I had clearly come to the wrong place for a sympathetic ear. I couldn't finish my tea fast enough, "They know exactly why I do what I do. That's why they chose me," I responded a little abrasively, "You're here to brown-nose them, and that's fine. I have a reputation, or at least I had a reputation, among the students. They chose me because they can control me easily. Mention Sondra, and you've got a willing and begrudging servant."

I sipped again, hoping to finish the drink so I could wrap up the conversation. I would find no absolution here. "I offered that hell upon myself as terms of Sondra's release from NICE. A 'proof of devotion' sort of deal. They know that they can pull that string to get certain things out of me," that was just how it was played at this point. Not everyone was here for the same reason, and the same standards didn't necessarily apply. But there was a fact I knew that I wouldn't admit - they break the deal and I break Sondra out. I knew almost enough to do it at this point, I just couldn't get it done.

They wanted to use my connections to the students. It was one thing to academically prepare them, but they had me, and a hand full of others, to sexually prepare them. To feed the wildlife and keep the students limber with libidos high. That was my function, I was sure of it.

"I never said to brown nose them. Unlike you, I actually do my job.." she sighed softly, already sensing the woman's feelings. Vera took a moment to drink her tea and take a deep breath. "Look, you came to me asking these questions. There is no reason to try and lash out at me when I am simply stating what is true. What you call brown nosing I call doing my job. I do what is required of me and of all Head Girls. You and the others who think they can weasel a way out of this situation needs to face reality. You each accepted this job one way or another so just do your job. The only reason you find this difficult is because of some morality you should have thrown out the moment you decided to take active part in this conspiracy."

"You did what they asked of you in exchange for Sondra's safety. That is part of the issue you see," she continued, "A master wants loyal subjects not subjects who only follow orders when a carrot is before them. Because you and some of the other Head Girls have such an obvious carrot, there is no reason for Shokushu or NICE labs to trust you. What I suggest to you is only to help you on your path, take it how you will. I am unsure what you hoped to find by coming to me but these are the cold hard facts. You wish to save your lover and make sure Shokushu honors their agreement, you must become a devil. She seems rather... special to you so I fail to see how morality is an issue. If you want help sleeping at night, I am sure you know many ways to relieve stress or remind yourself what you are doing this for. The more you dwell on moral issues that are based entirely around being the only intelligent life forms in the galaxy, you are just going to lose yourself."

Vera sets her cup down though she was not finished with it. "My apologies for lashing out at you, Ms Ryan," she said, "I understand your reason for taking this job but your methods contradict your intended goal. Do not fight the system. You know as well as I that they have been doing this for years and keeping it secret. Any attempt to damage the system is only putting the world at risk. I am sure you would like a home for both you and your love to come back to." The rather cold and calculating woman smiled faintly as she brushed strands of long silver hair back behind her shoulders. "I seem to have displeased you but you have stronger eyes because of it so take it as you will. I must thank you for finally coming to visit me, Ms Ryan. This conversation has been... for the lack of a better word... pleasant." It was not often she could discuss what was truly happening on the island with someone else without fear of instant death.

"Is there anything else you wish to ask? I hope the tea was alright. I generally do not make chai."

"Van Ryan."

I normally would have offered someone the opportunity to simply call me Lin at this point. Vera did not earn this from me. I was curt, and a little abrasive. I sipped my tea again. At the very least, she was right that she managed to put the fire back into me. I didn't want to destroy the system, I knew I couldn't do that. But I did want to make it a little easier on the victims of it. The people who were sacrifices. My morals didn't assume humanity was the only sentient species, but that we were equal to those others here. Vera seemed not concerned with any notion of morality or equality or sentience, simply of her own benefit. I understood how she could be like that, but I never could.

I sipped again. She wanted me to be the monster they asked of me, I had half a mind to show her how fully capable of that I was. Sip sip. I couldn't do that. I was enraged, but was I that angry? Sip. "The chai is very good, actually." It was the closest comment I had to something to say about anything she had said.

Sip sip.

"Hmm?" she blinked at the curt response, "Oh I see... My apologies, I thought it was a middle name Ms Van Ryan." Linnis had definitely changed much since their conversation had begun. What was a timid and confused girl was once more a stronger woman with a fire in her belly. The feeling she was getting from the teal woman was that of an animal who had not decided to bite or flee yet. Not much of an improvement but at least the woman was still sitting down.

Lacking any response from the woman, Vera moved onto another topic. Perhaps one that would turn all this rage away from her person for a bit. She was not fond of fighting amongst Head Girls unless her master wished it. "I am glad you like it," she replied, "Perhaps I have something that may help you. It may not but it is something to think about. Why does Shokushu exist? It can't be for preparing and housing potential slaves. That would not make any sense with the situation Earth is in. It would be faster and more profitable to just send the students directly to a slave ship. Yes, I know NICE labs is here but nothing really is stopping NICE labs from being based on Earth to perform tests on whoever they wished. With the technology available, it would not be difficult to hide anywhere on the earth."

"And why a school? What is the point in going through four to eight years of classes and then be sent off to be a slave? It is not like this is a vacation for students. Many of the students never encounter a monster so their presence is just a sort of control group. But what for? This could be easily done without sending ship to entirely different planet. There may be some limits on testing with monsters but then those few could be sent to be tested on. Beyond our unique punishments, there is nothing really preparing the students for whats to come," Vera picked up her tea once more, "Though I have no way of knowing the entire truth. I know what we can do with what we know. We know they will be sent to be slaves. If they resist they will be punished and broken in ways we cannot imagine with you being a sort of exception of course. As Head Girls and Prefect, we are given and opportunity to prepare these women for their new life. Yes, it is chosen for them. Yes, they have no way beyond the ADD which is not much better. But, we can at least prepare them to be more accepting to their new life. Would you rather them believe they should follow this path or fight tooth and nail until their self is completely striped away?"

She sighed, leaning back against her chair. "I suppose now I am the one over thinking things," she said with a smirk, "You may think this is awful but you obviously are skilled with making a student feel better in one form or another. You can use your gift to help these students be more accepting to the pleasures instead of the pains of becoming a slave. They may not be the same as the students that came in but at least somewhere in there you may have saved them from completely being crushed. It is not much, but as I said it is something to think about if you wish to find a higher ground to walk on."

One thing about human nature that never ceases to amaze me is the sheer lack of comfort created by silence. As she spoke on and on about her analysis of this place, I sipped my tea debating what to do with her. I had come to several different conclusions during this time, but none stuck with me. I did listen as well, absorbing the things she said. I only had a cursory knowledge of the ADD, probably because they half-expected me to join them, but her analysis of them seemed appropriate. And besides, it wasn't like they accomplished all that much in the long term. Mostly, I figured, it was a way to try to balance out the dark deeds many of their agents had in their past. A sort of atonement. I guess the administration was right, that did appeal to me.

"I suspect that that very skill is one of the reasons I appeal to the administration," I mused, sipping the remainder of my tea and trying to let my anger subside. It did, to an extent, but still I kind of wanted to do terrible things to Vera for the things she had said until now, "I can make them come to some sort of amiable relation with the idea of uncontrolled and unbridled lust. Its what I represent to them, sexual liberation." I was, in my hayday, a goal of comfort. And I suspected that I would easily regain that standing in the community.

Still there were a lot of good questions about the reason for this place. I mused on them a moment and let a little more quiet fall before beginning my own analysis, still a little visibly on edge, but less abrasive, "I imagine the reason for this place is to create the right kind of girl. The traders want the creme of the crop, we attract beautiful and intelligent women for them, we make them great examples of our planet, and we train them how to love the tentacle. We produce exactly the kind of crop they're looking to harvest."