OOC: This was a short radio play sketch that I wrote out, just around the time as the first one. The names of the humans have been changed to protect the incident. For instance, Principal Niceman is called Principal Goodman. It makes sense. Trust me.



SECRETARY: Superintendent Goodman, your one 'o'clock appointment is here. Shall I send him in?
GOOD: Not just yet. Let him stew for a few moments. Let's see here…one 'o'clock appointment with Mister Cangelosi…in quote marks. Okay, Rachel. Send him in.
(door open)
CANG: Heya, boss.
GOOD: Mister Cangelosi. It's been a while.
CANG: Sorry I was late. The Home Economic teacher needed a substitute and I was filling in for them.
GOOD: So I heard. Coffee?
CANG: No thanks. Caffeine makes me stringy.
GOOD: I see. I guess you're wondering why I called you in here today.
CANG: Is it about the swim team, sir? Kos I can explain that…
GOOD: No, Mister Cangelosi…am I saying your last name correctly?
CANG: Sure you are. I don't think you could pronounce my first name though. You only have one tongue.
GOOD: I didn't want to sound too formal though. Is there a…nickname I could use? Something you were called when you were young?
CANG: I was called Prototype Gelatinous Xenomorph Batch Number 18 when I was formed. I was grown in a vat, you know.
GOOD: Prototype Gelatinous…that doesn't seem to roll off my tongue too well.
CANG: Well, some of the students call me Cangly. Or something along the lines of "AUGH! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!" And some of the other blobs call me…
GOOD: I'll stick with Cangly for now.
CANG: I guess that's better.
GOOD: In any case, I've been getting reports about you lately. Reports that have me concerned for your well being.
CANG: Are you sure this isn't about the swim team, sir? You see, I was sleeping in the pool filter when they were jumping in and…
GOOD: Not about that. Cangly, let me try to straighten out some things with you. What are you exactly.
CANG: I'm a blob. Gelatinous blob.
GOOD: And what do gelatinous blobs do?
CANG: They are shape changing, tentacle forming xenoanthropological specimens in service with the academy's laboratory staff.
GOOD: And what are your duties as laboratory staff?
CANG: To erm…observe the movements of the all-female academy and conduct tests on their reaction to the environment and outside stimuli.
GOOD: Correct. And how do you do that?
CANG: I…erm…I'm uncomfortable to say what exactly I do. It's very naughty.
GOOD: You separate a few students from the others and biologically examine and tag them so they could be monitored by the lab technicians.
CANG: And that means doing naughty things with them and tearing their clothes off…
GOOD: Yes, yes, let's not dwell on that.
CANG: Sometimes I come up through a pipe and get them while they're showering. Though I never come up through a toilet. That's unsanitary.
GOOD: I admire your ethics, Cangly. My staff and I all do, though I'm afraid you have gone…well…soft.
CANG: I'm already squishy, sir.
GOOD: That's not what I meant.
CANG: Sometimes I pretend to be a soft pillow. The girls then cuddle up and…
GOOD: I'm afraid that's the problem. Some of the other blobs…and I won't mention any names of course, but…they've been saying that you have been dangerously close to fraternizing with some of the students.
CANG: Fraternizing…oh, you mean pretending to be…
GOOD: No, that's not…listen to me, Cangly. You are perhaps the greatest genetic creations created by man, a pinnacle of science and biology, a new sentient life form.
CANG: If I'm so great, what am I doing molesting college-aged schoolgirls?
GOOD: That's irrelevant. What does matter is that you're supposed to be secret, quick, and without emotion.
CANG: That doesn't sound a bit like me.
GOOD: That's why I called you in.
CANG: So…no more snuggling?
GOOD: I want you to keep your job first, Cangly. I know you enjoy your work, but you shouldn't take it lightly.
CANG: Like I did with the swim team?
GOOD: No, that was actually one of your greatest triumphs. We got lots of data from that. Anyway, as an employee, you agreed to serve the needs of the academy to further the development of our science department. If you take the same student over and over again, some of the others will wise up to us. And when that happens…
CANG: We lose our funding.
GOOD: You're seeing things my way. Now, when you go back to your shrubs in the botanical gardens, I want you to snag the girls and tag them. Keep hiding in the lockers and the drinking fountains. Stow yourself in one of the sock drawers for the long stakeouts. And most importantly, don't goof off.
CANG: Yes, boss. I'm sorry.
GOOD: And for God's sake try to have a bit of backbone! Be an aggressive blob! Tear at their clothing and engulf them as they scream and spit them out naked when you're finished with them.
CANG: Aggressive blob…aggressive blob…
(Door open)
SECRETARY: Superintendant Goodman, we have a petition from the student council wanting an explanation for recent attacks.
GOOD: Sic 'em, Cangly!
CANG: ROOOOOOOOAR! ANGRY BLOB! ANGRY AGGRESSIVE BLOB!
SECRETARY: AIIIIIIE! GET HIM OFF ME! GET HIM OFF ME!
Announcer: We at OGPOP Radio Theater wish to apologize for the content of the last sketch. If you find yourself mildly offended, please email ryanjakobi at crazygrandpa dot com, and we will continue to offend you.

I laughed.

"lose our funding" was very clever.

Indeed. A blob with a backbone...