Shokushu High School
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The King in Red
http://shokushu.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=3929		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  Princedarkstorm [ Fri Feb 20, 2009 10:51 pm ]
Post subject:  The King in Red
Crimson King

NAME :Unknown
RACE : Unknown
TYPE :Plasmaoid lifeform
PLACE OF BIRTH :Shokushu
GENDER:Belives itself to be male
NATIONALITY :Shokushu
Age :a day of life expericenced( for now )
HEIGHT: 2 " droplet of liquid /See Below
WEIGHT:1 oz /See Blow
EYE COLOR :See Below
SKIN COLOR :Blood red /See Below
SKIN TEXTURE :Slippery /See below
HAIR :See below
SKIN TEXTURE :See below
BODY BUILD :A droplet of liquid /See below
TAIL:See below
TAIL LENGHT :See below
TENTACLES :See below
#of TENTACLES :See below
WINGS :See below
WINGSPAN :See below
WINGCOLOR :See below
COCKSIZE:See below
#OF COCKS :See below
FIGHTNING STYLE :Entanlge and engulf his prey
MOTIVATION:Sex
PSYCHOLGICAL PROFILE :Cowardly if driven away by mass numbers .Wishes to engage in sex with the students .
PERSONALITY:Cowardly and bully if it beat a foe .
SEXUAL ODDITIES:Females (all types human or alien )
HUMAN DISGUISE FORM:See below
HUMAN DISGUISE APPERANCE:See below
CLOTHING:None
SPECIAL ATTRIBUTES:The Crimson King is a shape changer and a mimic in the true sense .The mimic can only be do with Crimson has encounter in life then it mimic the being .So most of the above SEE BELOW means if so Crimson watch a student kickboxing Crimson could mimic her voice ,her body ,movements but not mannerisms .The other SEE BELOW is only if drawing upon the thoughts of it's birthmother knowledge .
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES :Looks like a blood red droplet of liquid .
BEHAVIOR:Seeking sexual prey .
CAPABITIES :It being a liquid lifeform can squeeze or flow thru any opening to reach it's prey .
WEAKENESSES :Strong wind,Heat or fire and sunlight ,Water .
LIKES :Females
DISLIKES :Vampires and a STRONG fear of wetvacs and water .
HISTORY :The King in Red or Crimson King was a alien implant taken was place on a student Misa Long who was a horror and hentai fan that enrolled at Shokushu but in route Misa was listening to the song "TRIBUTE TO OUR GOD THE CRIMSON KING " and the implant for a unknown reason started to grow .As Misa arrival she went to her assigned room blacked out and Crimson ripped thru her body .It belives since the song was playing while Misa was asleep that it 's name is Crismon King .However when students heard the noise from Misa's room that found Misa's dead body and Crimson slithred away .Crison enjoys being in the indoors .Misa was also a bisexual sex manaic is why Crimson is a sex fiend .

MISCELLANEOUS :Nothing so far .If you wish a encounter with Crimson well you the drill .
Author:  Madison [ Sat Feb 21, 2009 3:41 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The King in Red
....I can't even begin to figure out where to begin as to what's wrong with that profile.
Author:  Princedarkstorm [ Sat Feb 21, 2009 3:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The King in Red
It is still a work in progress . :oops:
Author:  Shai Tanaka [ Sat Feb 21, 2009 4:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The King in Red
Madison stole the words right out of my mouth. But gee I'll try.

Quote:
NAME :Unknown
RACE : Unknown
TYPE lasmaoid lifeform
PLACE OF BIRTH :Shokushu
GENDER:Belives itself to be male
NATIONALITY :Shokushu
Age :a day of life expericenced( for now )
HEIGHT: 2 " droplet of liquid /See Below
WEIGHT:1 oz /See Blow


So far the only things that are going for you here are the Height and Weight. As far as Age, 18 is mandatory. a 'day' insinuates infancy.

Quote:
EYE COLOR :See Below
SKIN COLOR :Blood red /See Below
SKIN TEXTURE :Slippery /See below
HAIR :See below
SKIN TEXTURE :See below
BODY BUILD :A droplet of liquid /See below
TAIL:See below
TAIL LENGHT :See below
TENTACLES :See below
#of TENTACLES :See below
WINGS :See below
WINGSPAN :See below
WINGCOLOR :See below
COCKSIZE:See below
#OF COCKS :See below


With so many 'See Belows' Either fill in the 'defaults' your creature tends to favor, or eliminate them entirely from your profile. All they're doing is cluttering the page.

Quote:
FIGHTNING STYLE :Entanlge and engulf his prey
MOTIVATION:Sex
PSYCHOLGICAL PROFILE :Cowardly if driven away by mass numbers .Wishes to engage in sex with the students .
PERSONALITY:Cowardly and bully if it beat a foe .
SEXUAL ODDITIES:Females (all types human or alien )
HUMAN DISGUISE FORM:See below
HUMAN DISGUISE APPERANCE:See below
CLOTHING:None


I don't think you're getting the difference between Psychological Profile and Personality. Psychological profile tends to be what makes your character tick without your character having knowledge of it. What drives the creature as a monster. Is he a confused individual? Suffering identity crisis? Fearful of large crowds due to an abundance of scientists working on him?

Personality is how your character acts towards others. While you've got the idea it could be expanded on.

SEXUAL ODDITIES:Females (all types human or alien ) How is that an oddity?


Quote:
SPECIAL ATTRIBUTES:The Crimson King is a shape changer and a mimic in the true sense .The mimic can only be do with Crimson has encounter in life then it mimic the being .So most of the above SEE BELOW means if so Crimson watch a student kickboxing Crimson could mimic her voice ,her body ,movements but not mannerisms .The other SEE BELOW is only if drawing upon the thoughts of it's birthmother knowledge .
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES :Looks like a blood red droplet of liquid .
BEHAVIOR:Seeking sexual prey .
CAPABITIES :It being a liquid lifeform can squeeze or flow thru any opening to reach it's prey .
WEAKENESSES :Strong wind,Heat or fire and sunlight ,Water .


In this case your attributes and capabilities are virtually the same. Rather than be lazy and just typing See Below, you could go on to explain that your character tends to shapeshift into the student it plans on attacking. Does he have any favored forms?

Quote:
HISTORY :The King in Red or Crimson King was a alien implant taken was place on a student Misa Long who was a horror and hentai fan that enrolled at Shokushu but in route Misa was listening to the song "TRIBUTE TO OUR GOD THE CRIMSON KING " and the implant for a unknown reason started to grow .As Misa arrival she went to her assigned room blacked out and Crimson ripped thru her body .It belives since the song was playing while Misa was asleep that it 's name is Crismon King .However when students heard the noise from Misa's room that found Misa's dead body and Crimson slithred away .Crison enjoys being in the indoors .Misa was also a bisexual sex manaic is why Crimson is a sex fiend .


Don't take this the wrong way but...what? I'm a little frustrated because I feel that you have completely disregarded the rules here. Even though she's an NPC you can't just go around killing students. Maybe, just maybe if the character was given a substantial effort, a unique, descriptive history, as well as an in depth explanation on what your character is then we would be able to make an exception there since the student is an NPC.

However, as far as I can tell the death of the student is utterly and completely useless and irrelevant to your character. There was no point to kill the student, so why do it?

Also, if you've going to have a creature that is born on Shokushu, you're going to have to write a solid and concrete history that makes sense. You have to show us that you have a good understanding of the theme of the site and are aware of the rules. As it stands, since this character is a WIP, I wont hold it against you, but because of the lack of detail and history I'm going to say this right now.

Due to the path you've chosen for this character. You have A LOT of writing to do as far as explaining your character goes.



I'd recommend that before you post your profiles from now on that you type them up in Microsoft word to begin or you could run it through a spell checker. Then re-read over what you've written because there is a mass of grammar problems that clutters the profile and makes it difficult to read.
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